The Madonna-Stripper Complex: Online Dating, A Sex Worker’s Point of View
Until 2020, I had very little knowledge about the cesspit that modern dating could be, and my first year as a twenty-something singleton happened to coincide with my first full year working as a stripper. In a nutshell, I was providing a challenge to all the ‘feminist’ cis white men on Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder. How does Kyle gracefully and casually embrace a sex worker, without fetishing their work? The answer is - they can’t!
Now of course when dating online, you’re gonna get a whole mixed bag of people (especially If you got desperate like me and widened your radius to the edge of the M25) in hopes of finding one singular hot and cool person. I had heard depressing stories prior to signing up to dating apps from my vanilla friends: About being ghosted weeks into a fairly serious situationship, being fucked and chucked by someone who promised them they’d get a dog together, down to pettier but still awful events, like matching with someone just to be insulted on their looks, or absolutely cringe sexting. So you can assume my expectations were pretty low going in, and just about hit rock bottom afterwards.
Luckily - in some sense - due to Miss Rona’s appearance last year, I only had to experience these IRL failed encounters a handful of times, which was a hidden saviour when I was rebounding off the walls. Yet during this period of dating men from the internet (I hadn’t taken the leap into the female side of digital dating with my bisexuality just yet) I experienced firsthand how ill-informed the wider population actually is in regard to what sex workers actually do, or how to treat them like human beings, lol. So, I’m going to break down the good (sike), the bad, and the ugly of the random shit men will say and do to you when they find out you’re within the sex worker umbrella.
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1. Being A “Notch” On Their Belt
You thought cuffing season was hard enough right? Well try working a job that is highly fetishised and grossly misunderstood! If I have to hear “I’ve always wanted to fuck a stripper” one more time, I will never touch another human being again.
Honestly though, what the hell runs through a person’s head when they think that this line is going to lure me into bed with them? Also, what a way to state the obvious! Of course you want to sleep with a beautiful, confident, and sexy womxn, who doesn’t? Get in line, loser.
2. Thinking You’re Always “DTF” Because Of Your Job
When I first started talking to people online, and planning to meet them, somewhere in there I would talk about my job, you know... like a regular person does. I would notice an instant shift in the tone of conversation. It would all go from very casual, friendly conversations, to eggplant emojis and “WYD?” texts at stupid o’clock, a pattern I noticed with several potential dates.
The general verdict tends to be, sex worker = must absolutely love sex. This may be true for certain individuals, but for many of us, it’s just how we pay the bills. To assume that we are all DTF with no strings attached, no emotional connection, or even a real first date, is wack.
We want love and relationships just like everyone else (of course this will vary from person to person) but keep in mind that we are not here to facilitate your sex drive. We want to keep our business and pleasure separate, just like everyone else.
3. Expecting Free Services
No, surprisingly, I don’t want to come on over and grind on your flaccid penis for absolutely no money, and an abundance of awkwardness and weird vibes all round. Nor am I going to send you content for free, or give you any kind of “show” - this is absolutely the worst form of flirtation, banter or cheek. Please stop doing this immediately.
4. Asking A Whole Bunch Of Invasive And Annoying Questions
Okay, but what is with the fixation on my job? I can assure you that every sex worker is tired of answering the same questions over and over again, in excruciating detail. If I worked in admin, this conversation would have ended twenty minutes ago, yet here we are, still on the same subject matter, with me answering questions you could have easily Googled.
A healthy amount of curiosity and interest are great, but when potential partners can’t seem to move past the initial excitement of you working a ‘fun’ job, it starts to get tired real fast.
5. Having a Madonna-Whore complex
This point ultimately underlines all the previous points, because unfortunately this complex is so common and as a sex worker, dating can be especially painful because of it. People are more likely to make completely incorrect assumptions about you, because you don’t fit into their narrative of what makes a person ‘girlfriend material’ - but who wants to date such a close-minded person anyways?
You are an entire person, with interests, hobbies, dreams, and secrets, yet sadly you will find that people enjoy labelling you because they fear what they don’t understand. Misogyny is rife on dating apps, so try not to take it to heart when you encounter someone with this backwards thinking.
What I found from my experience of using dating apps when actively doing sex work, was that a lot of men seemed to be intimidated by even just the connotations of what my job held. A lot of people that I spoke to had never met someone who did IRL sex work before and they couldn’t quite process it, which led to me being either ghosted, or experiencing conversations like the ones noted above.
Meeting someone who genuinely just sees your job as only how you bring home the bacon may feel impossible at times, but there are plenty of people who won’t even bat an eyelid at what you do and just see you as the hot shit person that you are.
Dating sites can feel abysmal at the worst of times but don’t be disheartened by disappointing conversations with potentials, as you can always just unmatch them and then move on drama free! It is also important to remember that it is completely up to you whether you even decide to tell someone about what you do for work - some girls I know keep it completely secret as they felt it was their business, and they didn’t want to give someone they were casually seeing access to them in that way. This is an entirely valid route.
Sex work is shielded from the public eye, and unfortunately that leaves individual sex workers having to carry the burden of de-mystifying our jobs for the mainstream, which is exhausting and laborious. You will meet people who just want to turn Hinge into a debate club, or people who want to use you to write their dissertation, but that’s what the block button is for babes. Just remember that it isn’t your job to educate any potential partner about what you do for a living - or to comfort them if they feel insecure - you don’t owe anyone anything.
Words: Izzy Stokes | Illustrations: Katy Riley
