It’s really hard to live in a space both you and your lover inhabited religiously. This was the first guy I gave the keys to my apartment to, which for me, was a huge deal. He could come and go as he pleased, kept my bed warm, and baby sat my apartment while I was away. I didn’t think anything of it the day he left my key on the side of my pillow. I probably should have. It’s moments like those where you realise in retrospect and mentally slap yourself in the face profusely knowing you probably should have or could have done something – but you didn’t.
Saging my apartment did not do much, but mentally it felt like I was ridding myself of a former presence. It was more a mental cleanse. Most people know, I need my mental sanity more than I need much of anything else. Even to this day, there are small moments where I’ll realize “Oh yeah, he’s made someone’s bed his new home.” Then I’ll re-focus to my life as a single gal in New York and think one of two things: “Jesus Christ, this is my life.” Or “Jesus Christ, this is my life!” I am trying to have more thoughts lean towards the latter, but only time will do that. Many people from back home are engaged and having children. Which, naturally, seems like the “appropriate” next step. I am still trying to figure out this whole “career” thing, which I guess isn’t an absolutely terrible thing, because it keeps me distracted from thinking about marriage or having smaller versions of me.
There was one day in particular where I thought about all of this and the possibility of my ex getting engaged in the next year. At first, I was bummed because a very very SMALL piece of me would want that. But then when I think about me getting engaged at 24, I lose my shit. Just the mere idea of eventually committing to the person I’m dating at 24 sounds completely bat shit insane. As days go on, I realize more and more that I am terrified of commitment of any kind. While, I’d like to blame this all on my last relationship, I’m starting to put the pieces together and realize, that I’ve never been fond of commitment, be it work, romantic relationships, school, anything.
Words and illustration by Megan Tatum.