SickSadGirlz: Let's Talk About Shame
While scrolling through this month's questions we found a common thread, SHAME! Somehow we all seem to be suffering from the embarrassment that is our own existence. While there is no quick path to a life of shameless embrace of your own physical, mental and spiritual being, we thought we’d do a deep dive into some of your questions to see if we could help!
I live with OCD and depression and some days I have trouble making sense of what people are saying to me and I often lose track of what I’m trying to communicate. This often feels very embarrassing to me because I don’t want to come across as someone who’s incapable of doing her job. How do you suggest I navigate this shame?
My job requires a lot of communication and nuanced understanding of what is going on at any given time, while my illness deeply would like me to sit in bed with brain fog, OCD and depression. So more than anything, I feel you girl. On a practical note, I write everything down and make lists. This sounds like very boring advice, but is a habit I had to learn to keep myself accountable for what was asked of me but also really what I want to get done. I also had to learn to be vulnerable in communicating what I need at work, is it easier if I have something in writing? Is it easier if we check in throughout a project to make sure we are on the same page? What helps my specific brain function better? It is a slow process of learning how to give yourself what you need without judgment of how it is different than what someone else needs.
___STEADY_PAYWALL___
Any tips to navigate discussions about phobias that you’re embarrassed about?
I am a girl with a long list of phobias, aversions and more broadly dislikes. I find certain textures of food really freaky, I don’t like when laundry is at all still wet after the drier, the song Hey There Delilah by The Plain White T’s haunts me in a way that makes my skin crawl. Find a common thread, I dare you. Much like peoples love of calling music guilty pleasures, I find it distasteful that anyone should ever make you feel shameful about those certain aspects of life that freak you out. It’s unexplainable to me, so why should I have to justify it to you?! Put your needs first, say them loud and say then proud and honestly if someone’s rude about it, say thank you next.
How would you help someone to overcome shame of their visible disorder/disability?
Okay first, full disclosure, my disabilities aren’t the most visible. I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy with an ICD (implantable cardioverter defibrillator) and a form of muscular dystrophy called myofibrillar myopathy, so you might just catch a glimpse of the wires in my chest, or see it in the way I walk, or be confronted with the physicality of my illness in other symptoms that arise when I’m flaring. That being said, I do think acceptance of self can be difficult for anyone who is living in a body constantly made to feel othered by the spaces we move through, the media we consume, the people we encounter etc… what I’m saying is: in short, it’s not you, it’s them.
This kind of shame is such a weird one to navigate because it likes to show up uninvited when we’re out in the world being perceived and makes us feel bad for literally existing (!?) Rude. In these moments, take note of what triggered the shame: what is the environment like; who are you with? Granted, it’s difficult to avoid all people/places that perpetuate these feelings, but I do try to put myself in cosy spaces that feel supportive, understanding and empowering (I know, I also cringe at the girlbossification of that word, but it’s true !! ) as much as possible. It’s the reason we love communities like the Polyester Dollhouse and have experienced such incredible connections formed on Sick Sad Girlz. The internet can be kind of evil sometimes, but in these spaces it can be used as a tool in finding people who can help shift the lens on how we see the world as well as ourselves.
And listen, I have to remind myself that self-acceptance is a daily practice. I might be a cyborg, but I’m not a robot — I don’t wake up feeling the same way about my body every day. Some days I truly am feeling myself, others I’m abjectly against existing in a body at all, but I’ve come to find that the more I’m able to just own those feelings at any given moment (positive or not) and communicate them, the easier it is to move through situations with others. I personally find it helpful to voice the things I’m having trouble accepting that day so that there’s no elephant in the room. I used to call them disclaimers, but at this point they’re becoming Real Housewives-esque catchphrases, so “my legs aren’t working well today” becomes “I don’t do stairs darling”, and “swollen and golden” replaces “I’m experiencing edema”. Kinda silly? Yes, but by saying it out loud, I can own it, and more importantly when Bravo picks up Sick Sad Girlz of the Polyester Dollhouse, I’m ready.
Love, Kenzie and Rosa x
