SickSadGirlz: How Do Cou communicate When You Need to Flake on Your Able Bodied Pals?
Hi, we are SickSadGirlz
We’re Rosa Mercuriadis and Kenzie Bryant and we started a cozy corner of the internet called SickSadGirlz. It’s a community for anyone who has ever felt sick, ever felt sad or ever felt like a girl, come join us on Instagram to read girlz stories, lol at memes and find out about our weekly community meetings where we share our experience, strength and hope with one another to help carry the burden of existence! We bring our own experience with physical, mental and spiritual illness to the table in hopes it will emancipate us from suffering alone and empower others to share their own stories. Kenzie is a songwriting queen with a heart condition (it’s literally to big, but the same could definitely be said figuratively.) Rosa is a music exec with 12 years sobriety and a list of lupus symptoms as far as the eye can see. Together we try to face life in the way that it feels rather than in the insurmountable list of things we have to face as women with physical, mental and spiritual health conditions.
When we entered the Polyester Dollhouse we immediately felt at home and convinced the Polyester crew to let us invade with our very own brand of coziness! So here we are! While SSG doesn’t purport to be able to solve any of your problems, we are here to listen and give some sisterly advice.
You Asked: How do you communicate when you need to flake and take rest days to able bodied pals/dates?
Ugh the dream of being invited to everything and being expected to go to nothing. As two Sick and Sad Girls who do love to switch it up a little with the occasional outing and obviously want to show up for our friends when we’re not feeling so SickSad™, the ‘I’m not gonna make it’ conversation is one we’ve had to navigate more than a few times. In a world where we’re often sitting in discomfort or dealing with chronic pain, we’ve spent a lot of time figuring out how to make life work for us, and that usually means looking for convenience and the cosier option wherever we can.
___STEADY_PAYWALL___
The first question you need to ask yourself is: Is this a ‘flake altogether’ situation, or do we just need to ‘move some things around’? Does the outing have to be at a bar across town or can we do something closer to home? Can a night out become a night in? Of course there will be birthday parties and ticketed events and ‘once in a lifetime opportunities’ (red flag, never believe this; the promise of this is almost always a let down) that don’t always allow for your alternative suggestions, but at least you’ve let that person know that you’re still interested in hanging out, it’s just not gonna happen this time around.
If you do have to cancel — and we encourage you to listen to what your gut is telling you — communication is key. Don’t be a hero babe, we’ve learned the hard way there is no applause for staying silent and not communicating your needs, and trust us, the only trophies we’ve won from attempting to show up when we should’ve stayed home come in the form of aches, falls, pains, broken teeth, trips to the hospital, and more tears than we’d like to recount. If your friend is aware of the ins and outs of your illness, it can be easy to assume that they know there’s a chance you won’t be able to make it, but there’s no harm in reminding them upon invitation. Being a SSG often means getting real familiar with the ebbs and flows of our illnesses and taking nods from the way we’ve been feeling. Of course, there’s no way to know for sure what’s going to happen, but at least if everyone is aware of that from the start, it doesn’t feel like we’re making up excuses if and when we gotta cancel.
“It’s normal to make it a priority in your friendships and relationships to be honest and open.”
If this is a new friend or a first date or any of those sort of in-between relationships where they’re not so familiar with what life looks like for you on a regular (or maybe irregular) basis, you might want to clue them in. It can be a vulnerable experience having the initial conversation with someone you’re just getting to know, and maybe you’re worried that they won’t get it, but try giving them a chance. There might be parts of it that will be hard for them to grasp at first, but it’ll probably make it easier for you in the long run if you can be transparent about it all. Also, being honest about what you need up front is a great way of weeding out the people who aren’t worth your time. It’s normal to make it a priority in your friendships and relationships to be honest and open. Remind yourself this is just an extension of that.
We’re also no strangers to the sinking feeling of flaking on a friend several times in a row. We know that voice at the back of our heads saying “if you cancel again and stop reminding your friends that you’re here, you’ll stop hearing from them all together.” Is this true? Probably not, but all relationships do take some work and nurturing and whilst we can’t stress enough that it’s actually great that you’re prioritising your health and what you need (you can’t pour from an empty cup, put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others etc.) it’s also human to feel bad for letting bestie down. Rather than beating yourself up, waiting and wondering if your friend will ever invite you out again, why not plan something low stakes that y’all can do together that says you care. Because if they actually do have to check out that new bar across town, or the restaurant that doesn’t serve any food you can eat, or you’re stuck on the couch and there’s a damn obstacle course they’ve been dying to go to (lol okay who is this friend?), that’s cool, let them do that. When you’re in a place where you’re ready to show up again you can invite them over for dinner, or a movie night — something where you can show up as you are, comfortable, and in matching sweatpants ...just us? Cool.
All that being said, these aren’t hard facts, just some things we feel and of course the way that communication is received will depend on the person. Not everyone is going to get it, but above all, recognize that you’re doing what’s best for you, take note of the people who do understand when you pick up the phone to say you can’t make it, and if you need a couple more people in your life who get it, there’s a community of Sick Sad Girlz online the days you’re stuck in bed or can’t get out of your head.
Never be afraid to tell us where it hurts.
