Sick Sad Girlz: How To Deal With A Friendship Break-up
With the ever-expanding representation of relationships, situationships, and love in popular culture, you would think that friendships would come up more often in the discussion. We often hear people speaking about their attachment-styles, love languages and green and red flags when it comes to romantic endeavors, but when it comes to friendship, we’re kind of just operating on this assumed knowledge of what makes a good and bad friend. Considering we already know that people have different emotional and physical needs, ways of communicating, expressing love, and creating boundaries, it would make sense that we need to consider all of these things when deciding if a friendship is working for us. So what do we do if we realize that (plot twist) it isn’t?
As with all grief, the goal is to reach a point of acceptance. Unfortunately we haven’t managed to find the fast-forward button on the grieving process, so rather than attempting to speed through all the stages, we would say give yourself the time, space and grace to feel through all the emotions you’re experiencing. Acknowledge that this was an important relationship in your life and give it the reverence it deserves. This is the moment to do what you need to process through the situation. What has worked for you in the past when it comes to matters of the heart? If this was a close friendship, you might be more in your feelings than you expected. You’re allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Let it out, baby! It may also sound Hallmark as hell, but now might be the time to be your own best friend. Give yourself the love and attention that you need in this moment. People don't always automatically think to hold space for the dissolution of a friendship, so make sure you have an outlet where you can talk about it whether it's with another friend or a therapist or someone else that you trust.
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Once you’ve taken a moment to get sick of the sad playlist you’ve made, and the tears have dried for the time being, this may be a good time to take a little friendship inventory (this may also be a helpful step if it feels like you're in the process of having a hard conversation with a friend). It doesn’t need to be extensive, and is more of a mental note than a literal list (anti-list makers rejoice), but acknowledging the nature of the friendship and the characteristics that made us feel a type of way, is super illuminating in showing us what type of friendship this is/was and the type of friendships we want to partake in/avoid in the future. Was the friendship more draining than fulfilling? Did you have different values? Did you feel supported? All of these characteristics make up a picture that we have found really helpful in showing us not only what a friend looks like to us, but also what our part in all of this is. In creating this profile, we’re also doing a bit of our own moral inventory and showing ourselves how we would like to show up in a friendship, after all it works both ways. Taking ownership doesn’t mean self-assigning unwarranted fault or shame, but recognizing where we stood/stand in the relationship can help us reach a stage of closure within ourselves and around the situation.
On the topic of closure, we find that one of the toughest things about a friend break-up is that we don’t always get the type of resolution that we might upon the closing of our romantic relationships. Sometimes friendships phase out quietly. Others require more of a conversation. Just finding the words to communicate that we’re taking a step back can be challenging, so knowing how things will operate afterwards can be truly baffling. Do I give you your stuff back? Are we ever speaking again? If you decide that you want to have a conversation to get some clarity around the situation, rather than trying to find a cuter way to say “are we friend broken-up?!” (although please hit us up if you’re workshopping a term for this) maybe it’s time to DTF (define the friendship) with some *drumroll* boundaries — yup, these again. We know, it’s our favorite word. It’s your friendship so it’s up to y’all to decide what that means. Do you need some time apart, a clean break, or do you need to redefine the parameters of what your friendship looks like. Having the conversation and communicating these feelings will serve both of you a lot more than a friendship where someone is harboring bad vibes and ultimately it keeps our side of the street clean. We air the grievances, set the boundaries, make them aware of what we are and are not capable of, and if those things can’t be accepted or respected, buh bye (respectfully).
We are also familiar with that old Sick Sad Scenario where friends decide they can no longer show up because your SSG status supposedly takes up too much space in the friendship. Whether it’s down to cancelling plans, making them uncomfortable talking about what daily life actually looks like for you, or just not being empathetic and having no desire to, we want to let you know that there is a place for those people: it starts at arms length and ends at nowhere near you. If they want to be friends, they need to know that there are things you can’t control and you’re doing the best that you can. If they can’t respect that then they can find someone else to be friends with. It can be upsetting letting go, but there are places where these fundamental parts of your identity will be understood. If you’re in the midst of or feeling the effects of a friendship break up, this could be a great time to join one of our community meetings, or send us your story to connect with an SSG who is familiar with what you’re experiencing, because you may feel like you’re down one friend, but in actually there is a whole community waiting for you full of people who are there to remind you that you’re not alone.
Words: Kenzie and Rosa
