Ruby Rare on Deconstructing the Shame of Sex, Threesomes and Lost Village Festival

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Every August my friends would return from an expedition to Lincolnshire to show off their disposable camera pictures that were Instagram grid worthy, inside jokes they made on the dancefloor and radiating joy whilst describing a live set from their favourite DJ.

They would inform me of their new friend group as they had made friends with the strangers who set up camp next to them who just so happened to be the ‘coolest’ and ‘chilliest’ people ever. But this year I no longer had to sit in silent jealousy at home, as I was able to have my first Lost Village expedition.

Tucked away in a forest near the village of Norton Disney is one of the most unique festivals in the UK. Founded in 2015, the long weekend of music, arts and crafts, panel talks, comedy, and even a pawn shop run by a few geezers, has become nothing short of a late summer must for friendship groups across the country. 

With this year's lineup including Floating Points, Yaeji, Dj Seinfield and more, it was hard to stand still for very long, but there was a good reason to at the Curious Minds tent where an array of talks took place. From discussions on everything from mushrooms to AI to brat summer to an unforgettable speed dating event, you were able to sink into a vintage leather sofa and listen to a smorgasbord of wonderful people discussing topics we yearn to know more of.

One of the talks that gained a noticeable crowd was How to Have a Lovely Threesome, hosted by sex educator and artist Ruby Rare. We had the pleasure of sitting down with Rare post-Lost Weekend to expand on conversations so many often shy away from.

You had such a big turnout at your talk ‘How to Have a Lovely Threesome’ at Lost Village last month – do you think people are craving more transparency and discussions surrounding sex?

Thank you, I really appreciate that! I was pleasantly surprised that we got such a massive crowd, it was touching that so many people showed up and wanted to listen and ask so many amazing specific questions when we opened up to a Q&A. While there are some people turning to celibacy and feeling much less interested in exploring sex, at the same time there’s been this huge boom in more awareness around sex and pleasure and exploring less normative ways of doing things, which is where I come from professionally and personally. 

In all of my talks about doing things differently, I want to make sure people feel welcomed and supported, but that I’m not presenting any of this in some perfect glossy way. Treading off the beaten path is exciting, but it’s also bloody terrifying, and messy, and throws up a load of insecurities we may never have fully considered. 

I do think the subject draws people in - as well as being educational, I want people to have a laugh, and if that means me over sharing some of my threesome stories, then I'm very happy to provide that. Also I’ve got to be real, whenever I do something about threesomes I get lots of men interested, when typically my audience is mostly women and queers. And I'm really here for them being there, how exciting if curiosity about threesomes can be your window into considering broader perspectives around sex and pleasure. 

What are some steps to deconstruct a person's internalised shame of sex?

It's really hard to completely deconstruct because it's tough when the wider environment you exist in isn't quite ready for a lot of this deconstructing. So my main advice is to find spaces where you are able to acknowledge how difficult it is to unpack shame - whether that’s by yourself, with friends, or in certain communities. It's less about completely solving a problem, and more about recognising the issue, and trying to treat yourself with care as you look into it more. 

It can be as simple as recognising what you're feeling shame about and considering where it might come from. I can pinpoint parts of my intimate sexual self that I feel shame about, and reflect on certain experiences, people, or messages from pop culture that have really exacerbated that shame and insecurity. By understanding the broader context it’s not going to magically disappear, but we are so fearful of addressing shame, and for me a big thing is getting more comfortable saying things that I feel shame about to myself and to my nearest and dearest so it doesn't feel like such a shameful secret that I need to keep locked down. It's acknowledging that these are the things that I find particularly challenging in my life, and that we all have our own different versions of that. And there’s a good chance those insecurities are far more similar to other people’s than we’d imagine. 

“I want people to have a laugh, and if that means me over sharing some of my threesome stories, then I'm very happy to provide that.”

Experts predict a rise in periods of celibacy among twentysomethings; why do you think this is?

Every generation there is a moral panic about the younger generation having too much or too little sex, so I'm always wary of these speculative studies about people having less sex they ‘should’, because who’s ‘should’ are we measuring this against? What norm is this coming from? If, how, and when you have sex should be a personal choice and something that can ebb and flow and change with time. 

That being said I do have some ideas around this, we are more connected than ever through social media but especially the younger people that I've worked with are finding transitioning that into in person relationships more challenging. I also think the cultural relationship between men and women is a mess right now, the rise in extremist and divisive beliefs come into dating, and I can totally empathise with anyone, but particularly with straight women, who have very little interest in dating or hooking up because there is the very real risk that men who might be doing that with hold horrendous values and beliefs. 

Buy tickets to Lost Village 2025 here.