ON SNOOZE - Notes On Patriarchy Pedantry
The queen is dead and everyone is happy,
But not you.
You don’t want to see these memes about how the royals are distracted so it’s a good time for nations to raid the British museum and get their pilfered shit back. You are as lefty-woke as the rest of us but you aren’t one to celebrate death. You are a figure of life and light. You will hand out 30 day snoozes to everyone who participates in this crass display of inhumanity. These jokes are in poor taste, at the very least.
Hey, dude, remember when I couldn’t take a joke?
You man! Yea, you! -- Ya sent me your doctoral thesis and asked if I’d share something with you. I took you at your word and sent you a short story. You never responded.
And you, guy -- You congratulated me on my grit as a working artist, on the grind.
And you....
You urge me to start an only-fans. You LOL to my WTF?
___STEADY_PAYWALL___
Seriously. you’re rich now and you’d love to support my art. Like a patron. I wouldn’t even have to screw you. Just send nudes. A regular supply of nudes. You can’t think of anything better on which to spend your money. You have always wanted to be the kind of man who supports the arts. And just so I know, this isn’t about sex. Although you do have a few thousand dollars you’d be willing to part with. Hehe. But oh boy I sure could rake it in on onlyfans. People would watch me like drying paint. They’d watch me read a book or do a cooking show. Especially if I was on naked. Hehe. Yet I’m admired first and foremost as a mind. And that rack. Hehe.
And then you asked if you could text me your micro penis and I said no because NO.
I elaborated because I’m an autistic overcomminicator and I saw an opportunity for growth seeing as you care so deeply about women and our feminine wisdom. Our curves and our causes. You love women to your core. We are the lifeblood of this earth. I tell you that dick pics always come at me kinda rapey. There has never been a single time that I enjoyed them.
I have nothing against dicks. It’s not that. I like dead dicks from antique erotica. I like big cartoon dicks — priapic and absurd with Tanuki nutsacks. In high school, a friend gave me my first unsolicited “dick pic.” But it was a drawing — a spurting appreciation as I stripped for an art class. That was acceptable. Every penis should have some R Crumb element. A sense of introspection. Yes, yes, we get it. You are the urgent protrusion but mind your manners. You are not Pan in the forest. You are not even my friend apparently. You are definitely not my man.
I just have the one and if not him, I’m running away with a woman to an island in the Scottish seas. Not because I hate you guys but because she's so exquisite. She’s had enough trash in this life so I can’t tell you abut her. I would never subject her to your fantasies.
Hands off. Minds off.
I do tell you that I treasure one teeny tiny postage stamp polaroid that I took of Jeff on a hotel bed. He is hard in his own hands and his chest is golden. The Empire State Building is in the background. Damn. Where is that? But that’s my very special dick and I took that photo with a mini toy-like Polaroid which in itself is funny. A dick’s gotta be in on the joke.
You tell me I don’t need to explain myself. Of course of course.
But you don’t let it go. You pester for weeks and send it anyway. And then I’m doubly pissed because that is no micro penis. It’s just a completely pathetic middle aged softie of the average variety. You have assaulted me with your mediocrity.
Words: Dia VanGunten
