It’s Not You, It’s Them: Why the Laws of Attraction Aren't Real
Recognising attraction is straightforward when it is felt deeply. We feel it when sparks fly on an amazing date, or in a conversation with an acquaintance where you just know that they’ll quickly become a close friend. But when it comes to analysing unhealthy relationship patterns, the language of attraction often falls short.
This is because when we think about attraction, we see a mystical explanation for why bad or good things happen to people. It can quickly morph into an emotional and psychological crutch to grasp definitively, blaming our problems on it as something that we likely have minimal influence over.
But the idea of manipulating the universe or positioning yourself to influence the world around you has been around for some time. The idea of the ‘law of attraction’ can find some of its origin in American New Thought. This involved the metaphysical belief that the mind and the internal state of individuals influencing their external world.
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In an unequal world, how much money you earn, how desirable you are by popular standards and how you get treated in romantic partnerships is decided mainly by the power you possess or lack in your environment. Factors like race, class, disability, bodily features and more, all impact day to day life experiences. Often the world shapes our thoughts, for better or for worse, and we can’t passively uproot systemic issues from the safety of our minds.
Nevertheless, law of attraction gurus and manifestation girlies on social media attempt to inspire confidence and reassurance that your dating woes are in fact, fully within your control. Statements like, ‘I don’t chase, I attract’, or ‘don’t be an easy option’ are overlaid on TikTok videos of beautiful women explaining their thoughts on relationships. They communicate that when you experience disappointments in your romantic life, it’s because you’re not looking deep enough.
Under the idea of ‘attracting’ positive experiences into your life, people’s personality traits can quickly become problems to solve. And this absolutism is misleading: After all, someone who is often called too straight-laced or boring could come across someone who loves the stability that they bring.
Entrepreneurial ‘coaching’ consultants on social media often sell this idea that results can be achieved via positive emotion. TikTok trends reflect our current reality in which women are seeking control of their dating lives in a landscape that feels increasingly out of their control. There is a lot of danger in advice that is peddled as absolute, when in reality it is based on personal experience and speculation.
Even further down your feed, dark femininity videos advocate for detached behaviour in romantic/sexual dynamics with video hosts saying ‘Never show a man you like him, that’s disgusting’ or detailing ‘Things to say to men to make them obsessed’. The siren gaze is a part of this trend, a bizarre performance act, not in the mind but with the body. They claim that if you ‘look down slightly, tilt your head, squint and don’t smile’, you can get men to do what you want.
In terms of tone, in a way that feels like a reaction to the staunch, instructional, specific tactics of dating coach content for men, these trends reflect an advice economy that promotes ruthless individualism and sociopathic behaviour. It could be seen a satirical response, except the dating gurus on TikTok are deadly serious.
Claiming that people’s dating experiences can be controlled by manipulating their inner thoughts denies the reality that when people are treated poorly, or even abused, it has nothing to do with how they have acted. The idea that you can attract and control partners based on who you are or how you act, places responsibility for poor partners and even abuse on victims. We cannot necessarily control how people treat us and stating that we can is irresponsible.
This is not to ignore the role of desirability politics and self-esteem have on getting others to treat you better, but it is a slippery slope and can lead to victim blaming easily.
Maybe this whole industry built around explaining and ruminating on bad dating experiences is a depressing attempt to transcend the systematic mistreatment that people who date men often face. Systematic injustices like discrimination against women and racism cannot simply be wished away through a new way to bat your eyelashes. Additionally, the idea that women can 'manifest' their way out of misogyny is misleading and morally abhorrent, as women face blame for straight men's rage and loneliness even more now, in the age of the manosphere and misogynistic podcasts.
“The magic of being self-aware is that the choices and patterns you find in life and love become clearer, so that if you are stuck or stagnant, you are aware of forces within your control, and those that are not within reach.”
TikTok trends aside, psychology does have some help to offer that can soften the sharp, definitive edges of the language of attraction. Maybe it’s not mysterious forces at work that make you date the same personalities over and over, but that you could avoid tolerating certain behaviour in others when harm or disrespect occurs over a certain threshold. It isn’t relevant that Scorpios and Leos aren’t a good match, but it is important to find a partner who has similar communication styles and values as you.
Ultimately, an individual mindset can’t transcend all the power dynamics and factors that make up the winding pathways of human interactions. Try as they might, nobody can manifest their way out of misogyny. The systemic issues women and girls face at home, in schools, on the streets and at work cannot be undone by thinking happy thoughts. The magic of being self-aware is that the choices and patterns you find in life and love become clearer, so that if you are stuck or stagnant, you are aware of forces within your control, and those that are not within reach.
Words: Funmi Lijadu
