Heartbreak and Heterofatalism, When Misandry Affects Those It's Not Meant To
It’s not the first morning I’ve woken up and checked my phone with anxious optimism only to be met with a sinking realisation that… No. He still has not texted me back. I sit with that feeling of hurt and rejection for a while as my mind replays every conversation we had, scanning for where I must have said the wrong thing. Just like Tom to Summer at the ending of 500 Days of Summer, I overanalyse every look he gave me: Was it then? Was that the moment he lost interest in me?
With hours of 2000s rom-coms in my repertoire, I start to reflect on myself: I just don’t get it… I’m obviously attractive enough or he wouldn’t have slept with me, I’m intelligent and funny but not to the extent it would intimidate or overshadow him, I have enough trauma that makes me good in bed, but not so much that he would have got spooked… Why wasn’t I enough for him?
Quickly my mind moves on to every other man who has ever ghosted or rejected me, reliving the hurt of every single message left on read, and the confusion and sadness are quickly replaced by anger. As years of internet girlbossing has ingrained - it can't have been me, I’m a bad bitch. There is only one plausible answer then: Men are trash.
In her article In Defense of Men, Sophia Giovannitti explores the term ‘heterofatalism’; referring to the pessimistic language women often use when talking about romantic and sexual partners. She says:
“Our popular discourse around men—the final gendered category we allow ourselves to treat as both fixed and bad, marked as a collective scapegoat for all things narcissistic, obtuse, and disappointing—is an expression of maintaining our fidelity to the world of distinction. In this way, we are simply repeating the belief that a binary gender can be a stable category…We cannot champion a non-biologically essentialist, trans-inclusive feminism and champion No Cis Men; we cannot have it both ways.”
___STEADY_PAYWALL___
Heterofatalism as a concept is less about sexuality itself but is more concerned with how negative gender roles are reinforced through an obsession with pushing blame around on the tail end of heartache. Online, heterofatalism is a popular discourse, as every failed relationship can be boiled down to ‘men are trash/insecure/emotionally unavailable/shit in bed/animals’, and therefore being attracted to them is cringe and the ultimate burden of the straight woman (or at least the woman engaging in an opposite-sex relationship). As Tara Mooknee says, heterofatalism “puts queerness on a pedestal whilst simultaneously trivialising it”. Not a day goes by when I don’t see women online proclaim how they wish they were a lesbian, or feel embarrassed at being loved and cared for by a *wretch* man.
General hatred towards the category of ‘men’ often doesn’t even attempt to account for the varying experiences of AFAB and AMAB people. It especially invalidates and problematises the dysphoria felt by trans-men in a vain attempt to lift up cis-women. It’s important to remember that TERFs are just as quick to capitalise on the heartbreak and loneliness felt by young women on the internet as Incels are on young men. They both use bio-essentialist terms to pit genders against each other. It is never your fault, they whisper, it is always the fault of the other.
One of the main issues with this, which Giovannitti highlights, is how the left wants to both abolish gender binaries, yet also engage with and reinforce bio-essentialist notions of gender. The ‘men are trash’ rhetoric - intended to focus resentment towards male privilege and toxic masculinities - reinforces the same binary reasoning it is trying to overthrow. All men are guilty, and therefore all women are innocent. This bio-essentialist idea of ‘men’ is part of the reason that TERFs can demonise trans people generally - and trans-women specifically. This ranges from moral panic and bathroom gatekeeping to working with pro-life conservatives to defund clinics which provide both HRT and trans-inclusive abortion facilities, widely harming people of all genders.
“When signals get confused and people get hurt, it's not uncommon to turn to online groups that capitalise on that pain and push around blame to further their agendas and reinforce harmful gender stereotypes.”
Let me state clearly, so there is absolutely no confusion about where sympathy should be placed: cis-men undeniably benefit - economically, socially and politically - from their cis-maleness in patriarchal societies, and there is a serious, systemic, issue with violence and harassment against other genders. That being said, cis-men also struggle under the patriarchy, and their struggle with gender roles is particularly pulled into focus when showing how they react with other identities like race and class - for example when looking at the prison system. White second-wave feminism has shown how assuming a unified experience solely based on gender is blind to other intersections. Cis-men are not a uniform group, and attempting to categorise what cis is, what it looks like and behaves like in broad and concrete terms can reinforce a fixed way of viewing gender as well as being ignorant of potential intersecting marginalisations for these people.
I hate men - I get it. I really do. It feels so good to say and allows you to express real frustration and pain in a digestible way that others can relate to. I guess what I’m trying to show is that despite that instant gratification, these narratives don’t actually challenge the structures which benefit men and in the long run end up doing the most damage to women, trans-men and non-binary people. This is not to say that heterofatalism is only to blame for the rise of misogyny - men still have complete agency - but I would argue it adds flames to an already raging fire. In leftist spaces and online, many cis-men are already aware of the negative reputation that precedes them and many are at pains to be seen as ‘not like other men’. This trickle down effect of heterofatalism leads to behaviour that hides true intentions and is especially prevalent in the world of casual dating.
I have heard countless stories from friends who have been dating men which all follow the same narrative “the date was great/he made me breakfast/he said I was beautiful/ we agreed to see each other again…what happened?”. In the casual dating scene I have seen this trend really increase and in complete honesty, I think it's partly because a lot of men are scared. They are so scared of being seen as the bad guy, the guy that is bitched about for hours, the guy who ends up on @beam_me_up_softboi, that they overcompensate with the boyfriend experience when they have no intention of taking things further and inadvertently confuse signals. This is the best case scenario. Worst case scenario we hear stories of how men trick women into thinking they are the ‘good guy’ with no red flags and then coerce them into uncomfortable and abusive situations.
On the other hand, women, are allowed no more than an evening to feel sad over failed romantic encounters before they must pick themselves up by their bootstraps (in classic neoliberal fashion) and show social media what a boss bitch they are, how they don’t need a man - or anyone for that matter. Recently the image of the ‘strong woman’ has morphed into one which embodies classically ‘male’ traits. Assertiveness, self-reliance and stoicism are seen as more desirable than femininity which is synonymous with emotionality, vulnerability and empathy. Heterofatalism encourages this apathy towards male attention - it is better to be loved by no one than to chase the love of a man. Whilst defiance in the face of rejection is valid, so is wanting to feel loved and being heartbroken and confused that that love hasn’t arrived yet. It’s ok to allow and normalise that pain instead of projecting a cool image to the world.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex or dating, as long as everyone involved knows what it is from the get-go. When signals get confused and people get hurt, it's not uncommon to turn to online groups that capitalise on that pain and push around blame to further their agendas and reinforce harmful gender stereotypes. Whilst it is not, and will never be, the responsibility of women to protect the feelings of men generally, I do think it is important to find language that speaks to our frustrations with the patriarchy while not reinforcing the roles and binaries we are trying to resist. In nurturing and practising a community which focuses on radical love and care we can alleviate ourselves from gendered roles by taking responsibility for each other's well-being.
Words: Esme Hood
