Existing Loosely: A Guide To Being Lost
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Over the past two years I lost my cat, my best friend, my cis-womanhood, my bedroom, my sanity and all my family boundaries. Some things I found again in a much better condition. Some things I’m destined to never reunite with. Some things I’m still waiting for.
Everyone seems a bit lost lately too. The world is full of whispers which we can’t trust to hold onto. So we exist loosely.
In my loose existence, the question ‘what is truth and what is fable?’ transfixed me. The question became my life source. I made 5 songs and 3 visual projects in response to it called ‘misconceptions’ and put it on the internet for any other lost people. Along the journey, I learnt a few things about the art of existing loosely which the lovely people at Polyester have asked me to share.
Look into the void
Stare at a wall. Observe how the wind moves. Close your eyes completely. Whenever I get a particularly thick brain fog, looking at and for nothing really helps. The majority of 2020 is a blurry memory. I’m sure that’s the case for a lot of people. I was in a deep depressive spell and the thing that calmed my waters was allowing myself to float with the nothingness. Just be. I made small moments to do nothing: not have an opinion, not make a decision, not move away from my feelings. My friend started an online meditation group. The sessions gave me a starting point to launch into the nothingness from, and I started to fumble through in ways that felt right to me. Meditating isn’t for everyone, but we can find our own small rituals that tap into the void. Just drink a glass of water. Just hum to no particular tune. Just breathe.
___STEADY_PAYWALL___
Listen to what your body tells you
During my dives into the void I started to hear things. Aches my mind had muffled. Fear lodged in my chest and gut. I started to understand the parts of me I had quietened. Some bits needed soothing to help them on their healing journey. Some bits needed shaking to release them from where they were nesting. Overtime I started to recognise the patterns hidden in my body’s messages and sometimes why they were there. Whilst dysphoria and transphobia were still finding ways to come for me, they didn’t cut as deep because me and my body were in dialogue. By no means am I proper pals with my meat suit yet, nor am I immune to the earthquakes life will conjure. I’m just able to ride through it all a little smoother by not abandoning my body. As a result, my approach to singing changed. I started to feel how the individual parts of my voice functioned and how the slightest movement or tension would transform the sound. Notes which I thought weren’t allowed for a boygirl like me became more comfortable. My body is slowly opening up to me.
“We recognise that all knowledge is mediated through the body and that feeling is a profound source of information about our lives“ Audre Lorde.
Each of us have unique histories stored inside of us waiting to be connected with. They can tell us where us and our ancestors have been, where we are and where we’re going. I can only speak to my experience of attempting to a-tune to my body, but maybe it could unlock something for you. What’s your body trying to tell you?
Follow the clues
The more we listen to ourselves, the more we trust our sense of direction. Whilst we may not know where we’re going, checking in strengthens our intuition. What feels right and what doesn’t? What sparks inspiration and what makes you tap out? For the longest time I was forcing myself into a cishet body, wearing clothes, using words and moving in ways that didn’t align with my spirit. Coming to realise my inner truth was a bit like a detective story. I collected the small and big moments which affirmed what my body already knew. How I made the ‘misconceptions’ project was also through following clues. I attentively listened to what directions were pushing and pulling me and my collaborators. From our intuition we made something. Noting and trusting the clues your intuition reveals to you can be grounding when you’re lost. This is different from giving yourself permission to do as you please. We must remain accountable to each other even whilst losing ourselves. Following the clues that arise in you is really the act of remaining honest with yourself.
Let other people know you’re lost
It’s hard to let people know where you are when you’re not sure yourself. From the off we’re told to have a goal, ‘find our purpose’ and stay on track. Admitting your state of bewilderment doesn’t fit within the productivity agenda. But it’s super important to let the people you trust know when you’ve lost sight of the present. Being well and truly in the wilderness means you have to put out some smoke signals and bird calls in order to find your way back. If you’re someone like me who has an unhealthy relationship with being unproductively lost, I see you…it’s especially tough to admit defeat. Remember: we all feel defeated sometimes. The more honest I am about my uncertain existence, the more I discover everyone else is equally unsure. It’s comforting in a slightly sinister-2020-kind-of-way. We’re all scrambling to hold onto reality. Might as well scramble together.
Words: margomool | Illustrations Image one: Darling Baby Jay | Photographer Image two: Theodorah Ndlovu | Photographer Image three: Bridie O'Sullivan | Photographer Image four: Theodorah Ndlovu | Photographer Image five: Bridie O'Sullivan
