The latest instalment of, ‘My Therapist Gave Me An Assignment: Write about Your Ex’
I’m on this no boyfriend kick right now. It’s a really strict diet. I usually have this tendency of jumping from one relationship to another and right now I’m trying to avoid that. It’s excruciatingly hard. Love and boys are cool, but I’m realising this is the only time in which I’ll have this freedom to do whatever the fuck I want. I’m trying to be more self-disciplined and focused on me. Not so much the “happiness” part of that, because I think happiness comes in many forms and very unexpectedly. Even the things I love doing can depress me at times, so I’m realising happiness is fleeting and something that can’t be forced. Anyway, half of my friends hate their day job, but do what it is they love off the clock. The other half of my friends just hate their day job. During this period of clarification, I’m slowly understanding that my 20’s is when shit gets real. This is the time where I can have a shitty job and if I fail to do something about it, I’m stuck with it or something just as sub-par and hating or blaming myself for it every day. This is the time where I can have a shitty job and focus on what it is I actually love and when/if my shit blows up, I can quit. This is the time where I can have a good job and move up and/or on to something better.
What I’m getting at is, boyfriends can be super distracting for me. I came out of my relationship literally trying to pick up the pieces and find out who I was again. I don’t ever want to feel that way at 25, 27, 30, etc. I don’t need to distract myself with someone else so that they become my main focus and not my work. I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t entertain the idea of dating until I am solid, until I have the discipline I (almost) have now to force myself to go into the studio for two days straight, then go to work for the next five days, then hopefully take comedy classes at night. I want my schedule to be MY schedule and the person I’m with won’t be secondary to that, just complimentary. I’m trying not to sound so one sided. I think having a boyfriend is the best. You get to do things with your best friend all the time. But as I spend more and more time with my girlfriends, (who also happen to be single right now), nothing makes me more fearless and reassured that everything will be momentarily okay than being around them.
These women who have known me at different stages and phases of my life, who are insightful and genuinely care about my insecurities, who feed me expensive Whole Foods food when I’m broke, listen to me when I say I am anxious about the same thing or same person over and over and over again, who let me stay at their apartments for months on end because I’m too scared to be alone – these are the people I want to be around constantly. These are the people I wish to wake up to every morning, not some random who asked me out because he liked my Moment on Tinder. I’m not anti-guys (I don’t think)… just yet. I’m just going with this girl power thing right now. Plus, dating in New York is a joke.
Words and illustration by Megan Tatem